A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Do you even know what you want?

I have just come back from a holiday to Marseille. I gave myself 5 days to take a break, think things through and - once I returned - I would get in touch with Vik to see if he wanted to go for a drink.

Marseille is an interesting city. after 7pm it appears to be dead, even though it's the second largest city in the whole of France. However, it has a much darker, seedier edge that you would be oblivious to unless you get caught in its wave. And that can all too easily happen. On two nights I was up till 9am and 4.30am after randomly being invited to a party, and both times I nearly called it quits and went home at 11.30pm because the bars were empty. Things seem to change within the space of 20 minutes if you're in the right place at the right time.

On Friday morning, Vik messaged me. He said nothing more than 'Hey Allan' and I responded, said I was in Marseille, asked how he was. He then told me Kate Bush is doing a residency at the Hammersmith Apollo... We exchanged messages until I said I had to go as I was on my way out. However, I decided to stick to my rule - when I get back, I'll message him.

I, of course, thought about him all the time – whether it would work out again, should we try just being friends first etc etc etc

So this morning I messaged him on What's App and asked him what day he was planning to go to the Kate Bush gig. I noticed he hadn't been online since midnight the previous night. Then my mind started going... He's slept with someone else. He stayed at someone else's place and his battery is dead - that's why he hasn't been online. And now he's not responding to me because he has to break the news to me that he's dating someone.

So now I'm panicking. I'm panicking and I start crying. And I'm crying and I shout out loud to myself, "Allan what the fuck do you want? If you want him go get him. If not, then leave him be."

I am usually very decisive and know my own feelings, but this has been the biggest mind fuck in my dating history.

They say hesitation is the biggest obstacle in love.

I don't even know what happens next.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Fear of death

It's 3.20am. I've just bolted upright in my own bed with that paralysing fear of death that grips us sometimes. You know the one - realising that you're going to die and that all of this means nothing, because one day your consciousness won't even exist and all your thoughts and hopes and dreams will never be known by anyone else ever. 

I just sat up and said, "Oh God Oh God Oh God OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!"

And all of this shit means nothing. Who will care in 100 year's time whether I did or did not get my PhD? Whether I did or did not fall in love? Whether I did it or did not fulfil my artistic ambitions?

Sometimes we get stuck on the treadmill, unaware of our own relative unimportance. The ego consumes us and we forget we're just one of billions trapped in the cycle of life.

Fear of death is something that I first really got to grips with when I was 15. At least then I had this hope, and a vast amount of time ahead of me. At 30, the course feels more set.

I hope one day I can face my death with peace and resolve. My mother says that a fear of death is good - it means there's still something left to live for. I hope she's right...

Ex-ting: texting with Vik

I was drunk, he was drunk... And we had this exchange on Saturday night

Friday, March 14, 2014

Love's labours lost

Right so... I've not watched porn for three weeks now, and I have not masturbated since my last sexual encounter. Today was another tough day... I was very horny, cruised Gaydar and Grindr for many hours which is very bad. Felt like lapsing into old behaviours. 

What is frustrating me at the moment is that gay culture is very isolating. Everything is experienced through screens. Even watchingpornography has become this self involved thing, enabling us to reject anything real in favour of being emotionless masturbating banana slugs.

Then when it does come to sex it always has to be 'damaging'. Topping, bottoming, using, fucking blah blah blah... Racing to a finish line every time you have sex, leaving as soon as it's over. Just pushing intimacy to the corners and out completely.

I just wonder if it is possible to fall in love anymore with all this narcissistic damage and distancing going on. Even if my heart opens, has gay culture gone so far that everyone else is more interested in self gratification than true love?


Monday, March 10, 2014

Brain games

So I've reached what is known in 'no fap' terms as a 'flatline'. At certain points during abstaining from masturbation, you will not be horny or get hard. But conversely, all I can think about is sex because my brain keeps teasing me with images of things I've seen or more and more extreme scenarios to see if I am turned on by them.

It also makes me keep thinking about things I've done in the past... Some things are making me sick actually. I feel like I've really degraded myself at certain times and, though at times that was part of the point of doing it, I am just scared shitless that I'll 'want' to do it again, even though it's quite clear that at the moment my brain is telling me that's definitely not what I want. This is especially true of domination scenarios where I have been the submissive one. I mean, what was I thinking? But what's worse is I've done them now and it's there - a memory. It's not like a porn scene I can stop watching, I actually did it and that makes me feel worse.

Also the flatline is causing me some anxiety in that what if I met someone I liked and I found it difficult to have sex with them. Will I ever enjoy sex again after this whole 'thing' I seem to be going through? Especially if I'm going to feel guilty every time I do it. Am I capable of feeling love and closeness with someone again? Can I express a healthy sexuality in a monogamous relationship?

I am starting to feel quite afraid of sex and the power it seems to hold over me. I mean, why can't I actually use this down time to pursue creative things, be productive, take up a hobby? I wish I could take my mind off of it. Instead my brain keeps on testing me again and again in an obsessive way.

Need more meditation I think.

Sunday, March 09, 2014

4 of cups

So I drew a tarot card today and I got the 4 of cups, which seems strangely apt. The meaning if this card mimics the meditating Buddha beneath the tree. The cups of plenty are surrounding him, but he ignores these as the answer he seeks is within. A hand offers him a fourth cup - this cup is filled with love. But he cannot accept it until he meditates on the root cause of his problem.

It's getting fucked up

So yesterday I was crazy horny... I downloaded all my old apps, started cruising Grindr, considering my options. Thank god I had something to do - I went to the opera in the evening to see La Boheme and had a really great time.

Then when I got home, someone I'd been chatting to a while messaged me. 

'When are we getting naked?'

You can see where this went. He came round and the sex was totally hot. Probably hotter because of my no masturbation, which I think made me try harder and get more aroused by stuff like kissing him on the neck. But it wasn't just that - he knew what to do. Had an awesome orgasm (obviously) and came loads. 

So this morning I woke up and? I feel horrendously guilty. Why?! I can't suss this out. I feel like I'm going Christian on my own ass. Just this horrible guilt for having sex and orgasming. 

Now I'm REALLY fucking worried. Until a few weeks ago, I would never have felt here or there about a sexual encounter. Now I'm panicking that every time I have sex I'm going to be compounded by this feeling.

What's more is that I can rationalise it. It was hot, we're both adults, we both had fun... There's nothing wrong with that.  And what happened between us was spicy. But... I just feel so guilty.

God I am getting really fucked up over this whole sex thing. I'm hoping I make a breakthrough at some point. A big plus plus is that an orgasm means I'll be a bit more stable in the coming days.

If I crack the cause of this guilt, I'll be back.

Saturday, March 08, 2014

Are we all just sex mad?

I feel like I'm caving all the time... I started cruising gaydar for sex again this morning, staying in that hazy frame of mind that happens when you're hell bent on relieving the horn. Added to this someone sent me naked pics and I felt guilty as this kind of counts as 'porn'.

However, on the other hand, I'm realising it's difficult to meet gay men because all the normal channels have now dissolved onto social media... Grindr and the like. So there's this dilemma going on where the gay world is totally sex mad yet too paranoid to meet or see each other in real life.

What's more is it feels like my fantasies are getting dirtier rather than better, but the ridiculous thing is all the things I fantasise about would be acceptable in the context of a loving relationship.

It's hard to know where to go next with this. Do I fuck and get the horniness out that way, putting at risk the fact I could just lapse into patterns of sexual addiction? Do I wait for someone special and then be sorely disappointed in the bedroom if they are not sexually adventurous? Do I go back to masturbation - and if so how do I go back to it in a way that maintains sexual appetite and doesn't again feed addiction patterns?

At first I felt empowered but now it's really fucking me up. Are we even in control of our own respective sexualities? And if we can't change, will we ever find someone who loves us for it?

Thursday, March 06, 2014


Today my own thoughts have been driving me insane. I started the day with a run, tried to meditate for 20 mins, dropped off my laundry and my mind was just thinking about all the sexual things I'd done. Some I'm embarrassed about, others I feel I can deal with.

I did this live chat with relate counselling. I remember the guy said to me that I had unrealistic expectations of relationships and I had to think about what I really wanted. Perhaps make a list. He said that I had random sexual encounters with people because reinforced my belief that what I was looking for didn't exist. And yet, on the other hand I worry when I'm in relationships because I think it's not worth it and it will end anyway.

To be frank though, it was driving me insane. I had to get out of the house. I went to see Dil and we had some drinks. I had to get out of my own head.

Inside I'm despairing, unsure I'll ever find anyone again.