So it's been eight days and seven nights since I last masturbated. As I mentioned in the last post, on the plus side I thought it would be a lot more difficult and - at times - it really is hard to resist. Those times are usually when I'm in bed and the only thing to do is let your mind wander. Though I didn't relapse, I did have really strong fantasies that I dwelled on and I know that these can inhibit you because essentially you're watching 'mind porn' and these fantasies weren't exactly vanilla either. I didn't sleep very well because of this, and what's more is I was rubbing against my sheets which I had to stop as this could be considered 'a form' of masturbation and I could feel myself getting quite close at points.
I've had two sex dreams, which is really good as I haven't really had an intense sex dream in a while, and I'm really pleased my natural sexual appetite is returning. Of course, it's actually extremely frustrating that there is no one around to take these frustrations out on as I have a feeling I'd be a bit of a demon in the sack currently. I could easily go three times in one session, I reckon.
I have also checked Grindr and Gaydar intermittently, but not cruised them like I have in the past. I'm caught between snaring a sexual partner and saving myself for someone I meet in person.
So here are a current list of pros and cons.
- Increased boost of confidence in one's own attractiveness – you really deserve the best boys out there
- Enjoy a state of arousal more rather than feeling it's something you have to 'get rid of'
- People seem to notice you more – girls especially (which doesn't help me). Starting to think there is a pheromone aspect going on
- Caring even less about what people think around you – you want to be heard, noticed... laugh the loudest etc
- Squaring up to other men as though you have nothing to fear – feel as though you're competitive, as good as any other man
- Feel as though your standards are deserved - the next person you sleep with really has to deserve you giving it to them
- Motivated to work out, exercise, keep fit, maintain attractiveness, go the extra mile - bolted 9km at the weekend
- More focus
- Harder, full and bigger erections
- I'm currently single so even though I have 'allowed' myself to have sex, even on a one night stand, it's sometimes quite frustrating thinking that there will be no outlet until there is a random encounter, and then how long does this exercise go on?
- Questioning whether I'm repressing myself... What is the purpose of this exercise? Will I just relapse if I did have a one night stand rather than a meaningful sexual experience? And if this is the case, how much longer do I have to wait for that? Am I trying to 'cleanse' my fetishes? And is this useful or should I accept them?
- Prostate discomfort is occasional whenever I need to go toilet but dissipating as I type. Some occasional testicular discomfort too
- Sex becomes your primary motivation... I'm mostly preoccupied with the fact I'm not masturbating currently
- Also get quite aggressive and irritable. A couple of friends have remarked that I seem to be 'looking for a fight' on occasion. As if we didn't know the dumbing down effect testosterone has.
- I have to distract myself quite a bit. Sometimes this has taken the form of going out and drinking most nights to dull the need to insert my penis into something
Have also since discovered that this is a 'thing' – there's a community called 'No Fap' so have occasionally been looking them up for motivation to keep going. Some people suggest 60 or 90 days without masturbating... I think if I do get a boyfriend, though, that not masturbating could become a feasible option in order to maintain a healthy sex life. I have decided that I won't go back to porn, though. I have started to think it is very unhealthy, destructive and creates unrealistic expectations/demands of sex.
So I did get in touch with Vik after all and the result? Well, it just unleashed the pain all over again, which was good in a way because now I know for sure it wasn't right and it's time to move on. We kind of sheepishly had a half-hearted text exchange. It felt all wrong, so I can happily close that chapter knowing I did try everything.
Also, this increased confidence is making me think why does everything have to be so damn serious all the time when it comes to relationships? Surely there's a lot to be said for just laying around in bed and having a lot of sex with someone you think is cute. I think I've been too focussed on finding love or just having anonymous sex and surely, as with all things, there is a wondrous halfway point where one might strike a balance?
Currently at work and really, really thinking I need to find someone to do the business with. Hoping this phase passes and/or gets easier.